The dating shame
We all know the feeling, but few of us want to talk about it.Shame often runs our lives and undermines our relationships, but we often keep it hidden. I felt it today when my wife reminded me of something I had said to her that was unkind. I was awash in my shame, but I tried to cover my discomfort.That’s not to say that if a cute guy gives you his number that you shouldn’t call.By all means, call and go on a date and suss that out.Not enough to date, not enough to get involved, but looking in the sense of hope that one day the right guy would just come along. On the whole though, as I decided to give dating the brush-off, I focused my life on the things I wanted to do.Instead of dealing with men and dating and all the freakin’ baggage that came with it, I wrote scripts, traveled the world, made friends, read books, went to school.I knew girls who would just stay with guys because the guys were interested in them, or thought it would look good, or were just too afraid to be alone.
And I’m not saying my attitude towards it is a very popular one.
So instead I told myself “It will happen when it happens.”That didn’t mean that my three years in singledom (and a hell of a dry spell) were easy. ” To which my self-pity was answered by my mother or Kiwi with the good old “It’ll happen when you stop looking.”“But I’m not looking!
They weren’t and there were days when I would cry over and over again “What the hell is wrong with me? ” I would cry out, even though deep down, beneath the independence and frivolity, I was looking.
I pride myself on being a sensitive, caring man, and when she pointed out this shortcoming, I could feel the shame rise up in me. My first thought was, “I didn’t do it.” My first words were, “I never said it.” I felt confused and off balance. Shame is such a wretched feeling, most of us try and deny we are feeling it, hoping that if we don’t look at it, shame will magically disappear. The more we deny it, the more it sticks to us like glue.
Shame manifests physically in a wide variety of forms.In Indy’s post, he talked about the different types of dating.